Birthmother Research Project
J. Kelly M.A.

Chapter V. DISCUSSION

"One has only to listen to these [birthmother] stories to realize that the system of adoption failed birthmothers. Somewhere along the road, we forgot the most primal of human instincts: a mother's natural inclination to protect and nurture her child. Without that instinct our species would not exist. Should it really be such a surprise that birthmothers have had a difficult time surviving this unnatural termination?" (Strauss, 1994, p. 236)

This study began with trepidation as I emerged from the shadows of birthmotherhood -- to bring witness to the silent suffering of those traumatized by the loss of their infants to adoption. Divulging the topic of my thesis to students, faculty and co-workers was in itself anxiety provoking. However, once out of the shadows, a personally transformative process began -- during which time I was reunited with my lost child and was able to reclaim both my voice and my identity.

As the written and unwritten laws of society change, the issues addressed in this study will change also. Fifty years hence, these issues may be of mere historical interest - and eventually buried within the coffins of countless birthmothers who in life were entombed by the weight of the secrets, lies, and anonymity. Today, however, we have an opportunity and an imperative to bring visibility to their suffering and to create a space for their healing.

In my literature review, I described and chronicled the historical, socio-cultural, political, biological, and psychological factors that are intrinsically linked to the birthmother's experience of relinquishment. I examined mother-child bonding theory, the social construction of motherhood, adoption and relinquishment, and trauma theory as it relates to relinquishment. Throughout this study, I have attempted to investigate the impact of relinquishment from a biopsychosocial perspective. By involving birthmothers in the analysis of the data, I hoped to provide a depth of meaning to the quantitative survey results - in a sense, to permit the numbers to speak through the birthmothers. What emerged was a story of women sentenced by society to hide silently behind a sheath of secrecy and shame.

CONCLUSIONS

Entering this study, I had formulated the following questions: Did a birthmother stress syndrome exist? How was the birthmother experience socially constructed? What were the underlying assumptions that defined this experience? How have birthmothers been affected by their marginalized status? What were the larger societal concerns? What was the relationship between the psychological effects of relinquishment and the social consequences? Were there opportunities for social action? And how might the counseling community better serve this population? This study contributes a mere grain of sand to the acquisition of knowledge in these areas. However, it is my hope that it will inspire others to continue to build knowledge so as to meet the counseling needs of this emerging group of women.

Birthmother Stress Syndrome. It is in this area that I feel the study was most lacking in its design. Although I attempted to capture items that measured symptoms identified by others as part of a birthmother syndrome, I was unable to perform any statistical analysis of this data as a result of the sampling techniques and questionnaire design employed. Nor was this area of study addressed in the post-survey small group discussion. However, as mentioned previously, the data suggests that a syndrome may exist and warrants further research.

The Social Construction of the Birthmother Experience. In my opinion, there are few other experiences that are as wholly socially constructed as relinquishment. The review of the literature, together with the statements made by the discussion group in support of the survey data, present a portrait of the social construction of relinquishment -- one painted by a patriarchal society aimed to serve the needs of the dominant culture. This is aptly illustrated by the excerpt from the 1960 Child Welfare League's Standards for Services to Unmarried Parents, previously sited, wherein parenthood without marriage was deemed to be a "form of social dysfunctioning" and the legal family was touted as "the approved social institution to ensure sound rearing and development of children" (Solinger, 1992, p. 166). Society's determination to preserve not only the "legal family" but also the perceived "virtue" and future marriageability of pregnant unmarried women was tenacious. The lengths to which individuals, families and institutions went to conceal the out-of-wedlock pregnancy is quite extraordinary. Gediman and Brown (1991) refer to the burden of secrecy as "socially sanctioned denial" and note that it instills in the birthmother the belief that what they have done is "unspeakable." The influence of society on relinquishment and the birthmothers' internalization of the society's expectations and assumptions was quite poignantly expressed by the group discussion members in their descriptions of encounters with family, social workers, counselors, and health care providers. However, in shielding the unwed mother from the social effects of the out-of-wedlock pregnancy, society failed to provide the necessary support structure to buffer the birthmother from the resultant trauma of relinquishment. Feelings of abandonment by society and family were strongly voiced by each of the group discussion members. As a marginalized group, birthmothers were oppressively and punitively denied access to information and resources. Anecdotes of the denial of rights, the receipt of misinformation, and the omission of information were repeatedly storied throughout the group discussion. Since the relinquishment, birthmothers in the study had experienced a wide range of psychological and behavioral patterns: unresolved grief, intrusive thoughts, avoidance, guilt, remorse, depression, low self-esteem, self-destructive behaviors, etc.; and, within the discussion group members, the effects were manifested in their relationships at all levels: with children, siblings, parents, friends, and society-at-large.

Both the survey responses and the group discussion pointed to the relinquishment of a child as a traumatic life event associated with enduring effects on the birthmother. While it is unclear what percentage of birthmothers are traumatized by relinquishment, we know that for many the magnitude and extent of the psychological effects of relinquishment are far-reaching. The discussion group alluded to damage to the core self. Dissociation and the splitting off of "self" and "shell" were identified as effects of relinquishment. One group participant described the trauma of relinquishment in this way: "It's a total shift of reality. Everything you thought was, no longer is." The resolution of the trauma appears to be seriously impeded by the imposition of secrecy and the lack of support systems. Further, misinformation held by social workers, psychologists, and counselors concerning the effects of relinquishment may contribute to the pathologization of the birthmother, inadequate services, and inappropriate treatment plans. While sexual mores have become increasingly relaxed over the last 30 years, as pointed out in the group discussion, many service providers are still the product of the society that promulgated the ostracizing and stigmatizing of unwed mothers in previous decades. One research study suggests that birthmothers may still be subjected to critical attitudes held by therapists, and particularly by women without children (Caldwell, 1993).

The recurrent references to the imposition of secrecy during the group discussion raises a topic for research consideration that, although alluded to, has not been specifically addressed in previous research. To what extent did the imposition of secrecy inhibit resolution of or exacerbate the trauma? And what would be the effects of dismantling the sheath of secrecy for this cohort group? Currently, only three states have open adoption records permitting members of the adoption triad to access the original birth certificate: Alaska, Kansas, and Tennessee. Oregon's Measure 58, which permits adoptees to access their original birth certificates, was passed in 1998; but the legislation was immediately challenged by opponents of the bill. (Note: Since the writing of this article, the state of Oregon has opened its birth records to adoptees.) A primary argument against open records has been the safeguarding of birthmother confidentiality. However, lifting the veil of secrecy may have inherent therapeutic value for the birthmother. Gediman and Brown (1991) write that "keeping a secret can make us feel guilty, duplicitous, or unauthentic; and that, over a long period of time, it can have a powerful influence on character and personality" (p. 13).

Although posttraumatic stress disorder was not assessed through this survey, the incidence of traumatic stress symptoms reported suggests that some birthmothers may suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder as proposed by other researchers (Wells, 1993, cited in Arthur & Jacobs, 1999). However, even in the absence of a diagnosis of posttraumatic stress disorder, birthmothers may suffer from a chronic stress syndrome associated with the relinquishment. As research continues in the area of the mind-body connection, psychoneuroimmunology, and somatic cellular memories, the impact of stress and/or trauma on health is of prominent interest. A high incidence of hysterectomies had been previously observed and reported to me by an adoption triad counselor. A startling finding in this study was that 41% of the survey participants had received hysterectomies. Estimates of the percentage of women in the general population who have had hysterectomies vary widely. Simkin (1996) predicts that "if present trends persist, one in five (maybe one in four) women, is likely to have a hysterectomy by the time she is 60" (p. 8). However, The Diagram Group (1998) reports that as many as 35% of women under the age of 60 received hysterectomies in the mid-eighties. Geographical factors may account for these discrepancies. In spite of these differences, the 41% incidence of hysterectomies among the birthmothers in this study is higher than either of these estimates. Further research in this area is warranted. Were hysterectomies utilized as measures of birth control for this population? Was the birth/relinquishment trauma implicated in the development of disease? Was prejudicial health treatment given to birthmothers?

The survey results supported other research findings (Jones, 1993; Carlini, 1992) that birthmothers experience difficulties with unresolved grief, traumatic stress symptoms, self-punishment, low self-esteem, arrested emotional development, living at extremes, difficulty forgiving oneself/others, being out of touch with feelings, difficulty giving/receiving love, relationship problems, self-hatred and dysfunctional sexual problems. Unresolved grief, self-punishment, and low self-esteem ranked highest among the difficulties identified as extreme, often or severe. In a separate letter, one respondent stated that "One of the more striking events of reunion was the realization of how relinquishment had effected my entire life since then. I hadn't realized that all of the symptoms of dysfunction; inner and outer; were primarily attributable to that one event, 30 years prior." During the intake interview, counselors would be well advised to identify whether a woman has relinquished a child and to evaluate its impact.

A major finding of the study concerns the birthmothers' evaluation of counseling provided at the time of the relinquishment. Ninety-four percent of the respondents reported that they did not receive adequate counseling. One survey respondent wrote separately: "One thread in your questionaire concerned counseling; yes, I was forced into it. BUT not all counseling is benign, nor helpful. This experience is the only issue over which I carry anger today." The discussion group explained that if any counseling was given it was given "with an agenda." The consensus of the group was that the agenda of the psychologist, counselor or social worker was "to make you give up your child." For this reason, birthmothers may enter the therapeutic relationship with a significant lack of trust and with the expectation of betrayal -- if they seek counseling at all. According to the survey results, more than half (58%) of the respondents have not received psychotherapy because of the relinquishment. (It must be noted, however, that the survey did not identify whether psychotherapy was sought for other reasons.)

The lack of cultural support systems to buffer birthmothers from the trauma of relinquishment is apparent. To what extent can this cohort group of birthmothers be "demarginalized" and "detraumatized" within today's culture? Clearly, counselors must be sensitive to the depth of the trauma and the shame that birthmothers may have been subjected to. Understanding the implications and assumptions imbedded within the "language of adoption and relinquishment" may also facilitate the therapeutic relationship between counselor and birthmother. As members of a marginalized group, birthmothers would have, at least, had access to other members of the group for support if they had not been bound by secrecy. Instead, birthmothers remained in isolation from each other and from the mainstream. Birthmother support groups, therefore, provide an excellent opportunity for birthmothers to share their stories with other birthmothers and thereby validate their experiences. The Internet support groups and chat rooms provide an element of anonymity which is often important to the newly emergent birthmother.

Of paramount significance to the discussion group was the perception of not having had "rights" at the time of the relinquishment. This led to a sense of violation and to anger. The feeling of "not having rights" or of nonentitlement may linger still today. As one survey respondent recalls, "I was 18 in a world when 21 was the legal age. From the time my parents learned of my pregnancy, adoption was the only option. My parents, physicians and the social worker at Catholic Charities treated me as a remotely involved party. Never once was I asked what I wanted, how I felt about the choice or counseled about alternatives." Some birthmothers are re-establishing their rights in the form of social action. Recently, hundreds of birthmothers signed their names to a full- page ad in the Oregonian newspaper in support of Measure 58 for open records. Likewise, unprecedented numbers of birthmothers are joining reunion registries and hiring searchers in an effort to locate their relinquished children. Reunion may or may not facilitate healing of the trauma (De Simone, 1996). As one birthmother noted, "I have reunited with my daughter and things are going as well as can be expected but nothing will give us back those lost years. There has been a great deal of healing with the reunion but there will always be this incredible sense of loss that will never really go away." However, the birthmother's exercising of her rights within the social system may indeed lead to empowerment.

IMPLICATIONS FOR SOCIAL ACTION

There are currently two social action movements that lend themselves to the empowerment of birthmothers: the search and support movement and the adoption rights movement. Each of these provide mechanisms for birthmothers to take action and reclaim some measure of control over their lives in this area. Searching for the relinquished child offers the birthmother the opportunity to attain closure. Support groups facilitate the healing process -- giving the birthmother permission to share her story, validate her experience, and process her grief. Participation in the lobbying for adoption legislation reform and open records can also empower birthmothers and assist them to reclaim lost rights. In a separate correspondence, one survey respondent wrote:

". . . I have become politically active in the hopes that mothers and their children will never again be separated for what is basically a temporary financial problem. I feel all efforts to keep families together should be made and that there should be no financial reward to any agency for facilitating the relinquishment of natural children. If these agencies weren't in the business of baby selling they wouldn't be fighting the open records effort. They also wouldn't coerce young women into relinquishment in the first place and they would perhaps offer them more acceptable alternatives."

McFarlane and van der Kolk advise that "Trauma may act as a catalyst for social change: By giving voice to their own misery, many social critics, political leaders, and artists have been able to transform their trauma into a way of helping other people" (1996, p. 33).

IMPLICATIONS FOR CLINICAL COUNSELING

There is a growing need for counselors to be trained in the special needs of the adoption triad. In addition to the concerns previously mentioned, counselors must examine their own assumptions and belief systems concerning relinquishment. In the group discussion, psychologists and counselors were accused of having inflicted further damage on the birthmothers. HEALER DO NO HARM. It is essential that birthmothers be permitted to tell their stories in a nonjudgmental setting in order to lift the curtain of silence. Davidson (1994) offers a three-part treatment plan for birthmother healing that includes: individual counseling, an experiential group workshop, and a three-phase support group system. Psychoeducation, somatic therapy, and feminist approaches may also be particularly well suited to treating relinquishment trauma. According to one birthmother's experience, "With the presence of my son, the support of an on-line birthmother mailing list and a wonderful therapist, the healing began. Now 20 months later, I'm still discovering facets of my life touched by relinquishment, trying to nurture that frightened young woman that I was and help her understand and accept that she wasn't the only one who made a mistake."

CONSIDERATIONS FOR FUTURE RESEARCH

This study has identified several research inquiries for future investigation:

• The study of maternal caregiving and mother-infant retrieval as shared dyadic behavioral systems (as suggested by Bowlby (1982));
• Investigation of the incidence of hysterectomies among birthmothers;
• The effects of secrecy on the experience of relinquishment trauma;
• The implementation of a controlled study to test for the presence of a birthmother stress syndrome;
• Investigation into the relationship between psychoneuroimmunology, cellular memory and intrauterine communication between mother and child.

Many researchers, as well as birthmothers, have noted the "dearth" of research that exists on birthmothers. As the frequency of reunions increases, I expect that the need for informed counseling will also increase - counseling informed by a knowledge base of research on birthmothers and their counseling needs.

 

CONCLUDING REMARKS

In conducting this research, my stated objectives were to: (1) contribute to the presently scant body of knowledge concerning the birthmother experience, (2) inform the counseling community of the issues relevant to the counseling of birthmothers, (3) identify areas for future research, and (4) relate the findings to matters of social relevance. I believe that these objectives have been reached. So many of the participants thanked me for engaging in this research and many expressed gratitude for being able to partake in the study. One birthmother wrote: "Perhaps your thesis will help to educate others of the pain involved and the process one goes through when surrendering a child for adoption." In the spirit of narrative theory, Harry Goolishian says: "Our prevailing narratives provide the vocabulary that sets our realities. Our destinies are opened or closed in terms of the stories that we construct to understand our experiences" (as quoted in Freedman & Combs, 1996, p. 77). In the retelling of birthmother experiences, alternative stories emerge. The narratives are infused with new meaning, viewed from alternative perspectives, and a new experience is generated. It is hoped that the circulation of these stories among the counseling community will help to "demarginalize" the lived experiences of birthmothers and provide the opportunity for counselors to perhaps view the relinquishment experience through a new and different lens.

I am deeply indebted to all the birthmothers in this study for their courageous participation. In describing the research method known as experience research, Kirby and McKenna write: "We do not want to contribute further to the public silencing of voices from the margins. Instead, we want to do research in a way that creates opportunities to reclaim and re-name that experience" (1989, p. 64).

For me, relinquishment was an amputation of the soul -

through reunion, I became whole.

(Reunited on July 31, 1998)

Copyright © 1999-2005 Judy Kelly, M.A., C.P.A.C.,
All Rights Reserved. Reprinted with permission of the author

Note: The words "birthmother" or "birthparent" are derogatory terms utilized by adoption "counselors" and "facilitators" in order to diminish a mother into playing a solely reproductive role in her child's life. The terms "birthmother" and "birthparents" are used on this site as a consession to search-engine requirements for a North American audience. The terms "mother", "single mother", "natural mother," and "exiled mother" are acknowledged to be accurate, respectful, and nonderogatory terms. See "Why Birthmother Means Breeder" by Diane Turski for more information.

J. Kelly Birthmother Research Project:

Dedication
Acknowledgements
Chapter I: Introduction
Chapter II: Literature Review
Chapter III: Methodology
Chapter IV: Results
Chapter V: Discussion
Postscript
Appendices
References
Summarized Survey Results

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