"Unplanned" Pregnancy:
Consider the Consequences Before "Giving Up" Your
Baby For Adoption
Adoption agencies and adoption attorneys claim that "everyone
benefits" from infant adoption. But if you or your unmarried
daughter is pregnant, you may want to know the facts. How
it will really affect your daughter's emotional well-being
over her lifetime to keep her baby or to "give up"
her baby for adoption. Will your grandchild really benefit
from being cut off from family and raised by strangers?
How does a mother fare immediately after she loses her child
to adoption and in the years and decades following relinquishment?
The studies and statistical evaluations at left and the information
below attempt to provide some answers.
The Adoption Timeline for
"Birthmothers"
Immediately after "giving up" (surrendering)
a baby for adoption
Many of us have seen glimpses of mothers who have recently
surrendered their baby for adoption. Sometimes the mother
is euphoric over the birth of her beautiful son or daughter
and tries to focus on that joyous event and "be brave".
She may say at least she managed to save her baby from abortion
or starvation (having been denied any real help to keep her
family together). She may do her best to go on with her life,
believing the adoption "professionals" who advised
her and her parents that she would soon get over it and go
on with her life. Sometimes the mother has a complete breakdown
or turns to drinking or drugs to try to ease her suffering
over this tremendous loss.
Post-adoption and post-adoption "counseling"
The mother may have been told the loss of her child will
affect her only briefly around the time of her child's birthday.
She may have been advised that "open" adoption makes
it all better. Openness is supposed to help the child, because
he is not completely cut off from his origins. With an "open"
adoption the mother may have some visitation or promises of
pictures or letters from the people who adopted. But with
an "open" adoption, the mother may be taken by surprise
by the intensity of the pain and anguish as time goes by and
the adopters - the people who profitted from her suffering
- grow increasingly distant or cut her off completely. She
may find it heartbreaking to think of the little things -
like brushing teeth or saying prayers - that she cannot share
with her child.
Many mothers are unaware of their child's thoughts and feelings
about themselves and this unnatural custody arrangement. This
is certainly the case when the mother may simply has no contact
with her child. But when there is contact, it may be that
the child does not want to make his mother - either one of
them - feel bad by opening up to them with his true feelings.
If her son or daughter does comes to her for help in a situation
where abuse does occur, the mother - unable to do anything
about it - may be completely traumatized.
Some mothers are "awake" from the start, aware
their child may not be "better off" adopted, but
forced by economic circumstances to surrender. Other moms
may discover much later that their child was badly affected
by the traumatic separation from his mother at birth and by
being raised in an environment devoid of any true family members.
From a mother's perspective, it is horrifying to discover
her child felt "unwanted" by her.
Post-adoption counseling
Books on "grieving a pet" are plentiful - yet there
are almost no books on grieving the loss of one's son, daughter
or grandchild to adoption. Few counselors in North America
are knowledgeable of the intense delayed suffering "disenfranchised
grief" a mother may experience even long after losing
her child to adoption. This makes it difficult to find
a good counselor. In addition, counselors may have attended
"Infant Adoption Awareness Training" in which some
attendees have been told that mothers who have problems following
the loss of their child to adoption are "few in number
and mentally ill". One can only wonder whether people
who are grieving a death or divorce are also too "mentally
ill" to be worthy of compassionate counseling.
Note: There is a large market for newborn babies for adoption
in America. Adoption "counselors" in North America
like to refer to expectant parents as "birthparents"
or "birthmothers", while calling the unrelated person
hoping to adopt a "parent". The objective of this
so-called "respectful adoption language" is to make
the acquisition of healthy newborn babies by infertile people
or gay people seem "normal". The euphemism "adoption"
is used to deflect attention from the reality - this is a
transfer of human babies from loving (if naive or pressured)
relatives to customers.
The misleading, disrespectful terms "birthmother",
"birthfather" and "birthparents" are used
on this website for search engine purposes only. The terms
"mother", "father", "single parent",
" family member" and "natural mother"
are accurate, respectful, and nonderogatory terms. See " by Diane Turski for more
information.
Other misleading, dishonest terms include "biological"
child, "genetic" sister, "surrogate" mother,
egg "donor", or sperm "donor". These terms
are used to make human beings appear to be unrelated to their
own family members. Why would a "donated" child
(or adult adoptee) wish to learn more about - or contact -
her "biological" sister or mother? Why would she
say after reunion that it "feels like" her "biological
sister" (or other relative) is her sister (or other relative)?
Because true families are created by nature, not by government
edicts or by the adoption or "sale" of babies.
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