The Long-Term Consequences of Losing a Baby to Adoption  
- 'Dear Birthmother' Adoption Letters - Unplanned "Crisis" Pregnancy Help - Domestic Infant Adoption Information -
Pregnancy and Adoption Research:
Quick Look Summary of Findings
Psychological Disability in Women Who Relinquish a Baby to Adoption - Dr. J.T. Condon(pdf)
Long-Term Impact on 'Birthmothers' Who Lost Babies to Adoption - J Kelly, M.A.
Infant Adoption is Big Business in America - D. Gerow(pdf)
Psychiatrist's Evaluation of Effects on 'Birthmothers' - Dr G. Rickarby
Evaluating Adoption Statistics - Dr. B. Wright, Ph.D.

Recommended Reading:

Domestic Adoption Baby Boom - Exploiting Women and Families in America
Dear Birthmother - Is Adoption Worth the Grief?
Adoption Headlines
Married or "Unmarried" - Pregnancy, Birth and Falling in Love With Your Baby
The Perfect Gift for a "Birthmother" and Baby
Adoptive Mother's View of "Birthmothers"
Adoption Reunion Search and Support Groups and Information
Contact Us:
First Mothers Action

"Unplanned" Pregnancy: Consider the Consequences Before "Giving Up" Your Baby For Adoption

Adoption agencies and adoption attorneys claim that "everyone benefits" from infant adoption. But if you or your unmarried daughter is pregnant, you may want to know the facts. How it will really affect your daughter's emotional well-being over her lifetime to keep her baby or to "give up" her baby for adoption. Will your grandchild really benefit from being cut off from family and raised by strangers?

How does a mother fare immediately after she loses her child to adoption and in the years and decades following relinquishment? The studies and statistical evaluations at left and the information below attempt to provide some answers.

Adoption agencies and attorneys - looking for newborn babies for their customers - generally advise expectant parents: "If you really love your baby, you'll "give" her up for adoption." But how does the adopted child really fare after being separated from mother, father (and the rest of the family) at birth?

Adopted baby and mother: Known consequences of separating mother and baby at birth for adoption.

The Adoption Timeline for "Birthmothers"

Immediately after "giving up" (surrendering) a baby for adoption

Many of us have seen glimpses of mothers who have recently surrendered their baby for adoption. Sometimes the mother is euphoric over the birth of her beautiful son or daughter and tries to focus on that joyous event and "be brave". She may say at least she managed to save her baby from abortion or starvation (having been denied any real help to keep her family together). She may do her best to go on with her life, believing the adoption "professionals" who advised her and her parents that she would soon get over it and go on with her life. Sometimes the mother has a complete breakdown or turns to drinking or drugs to try to ease her suffering over this tremendous loss.

Post-adoption and post-adoption "counseling"

The mother may have been told the loss of her child will affect her only briefly around the time of her child's birthday. She may have been advised that "open" adoption makes it all better. Openness is supposed to help the child, because he is not completely cut off from his origins. With an "open" adoption the mother may have some visitation or promises of pictures or letters from the people who adopted. But with an "open" adoption, the mother may be taken by surprise by the intensity of the pain and anguish as time goes by and the adopters - the people who profitted from her suffering - grow increasingly distant or cut her off completely. She may find it heartbreaking to think of the little things - like brushing teeth or saying prayers - that she cannot share with her child.

Many mothers are unaware of their child's thoughts and feelings about themselves and this unnatural custody arrangement. This is certainly the case when the mother may simply has no contact with her child. But when there is contact, it may be that the child does not want to make his mother - either one of them - feel bad by opening up to them with his true feelings. If her son or daughter does comes to her for help in a situation where abuse does occur, the mother - unable to do anything about it - may be completely traumatized.

Some mothers are "awake" from the start, aware their child may not be "better off" adopted, but forced by economic circumstances to surrender. Other moms may discover much later that their child was badly affected by the traumatic separation from his mother at birth and by being raised in an environment devoid of any true family members. From a mother's perspective, it is horrifying to discover her child felt "unwanted" by her.

Post-adoption counseling

Books on "grieving a pet" are plentiful - yet there are almost no books on grieving the loss of one's son, daughter or grandchild to adoption. Few counselors in North America are knowledgeable of the intense delayed suffering "disenfranchised grief" a mother may experience even long after losing her child to adoption. This makes it difficult to find a good counselor. In addition, counselors may have attended "Infant Adoption Awareness Training" in which some attendees have been told that mothers who have problems following the loss of their child to adoption are "few in number and mentally ill". One can only wonder whether people who are grieving a death or divorce are also too "mentally ill" to be worthy of compassionate counseling.



unplanned pregancy consequences


Note: There is a large market for newborn babies for adoption in America. Adoption "counselors" in North America like to refer to expectant parents as "birthparents" or "birthmothers", while calling the unrelated person hoping to adopt a "parent". The objective of this so-called "respectful adoption language" is to make the acquisition of healthy newborn babies by infertile people or gay people seem "normal". The euphemism "adoption" is used to deflect attention from the reality - this is a transfer of human babies from loving (if naive or pressured) relatives to customers.

The misleading, disrespectful terms "birthmother", "birthfather" and "birthparents" are used on this website for search engine purposes only. The terms "mother", "father", "single parent", " family member" and "natural mother" are accurate, respectful, and nonderogatory terms. See "Why Birthmother Means Breeder" by Diane Turski for more information.

Other misleading, dishonest terms include "biological" child, "genetic" sister, "surrogate" mother, egg "donor", or sperm "donor". These terms are used to make human beings appear to be unrelated to their own family members. Why would a "donated" child (or adult adoptee) wish to learn more about - or contact - her "biological" sister or mother? Why would she say after reunion that it "feels like" her "biological sister" (or other relative) is her sister (or other relative)? Because true families are created by nature, not by government edicts or by the adoption or "sale" of babies.


unplanned pregnancy "dear birthmother"



Is your unmarried daughter pregnant? Consider options to help to keep your grandchild:

"Unplanned" Pregnancy Help


Considering Open Adoption? Read how adoption agencies are using promises of openness to lure mothers into relinquishing their parental rights:

Open Adoption Agencies and the Domestic Adoption Baby Boom


Lost a baby to adoption? Learn about the social policies designed to get more babies for adoption and get to know some other moms like yourself:

Baby Scoop Era Research Initiative: American Adoption and "Unwed" Mothers History


We chose a geneological theme for this website

because in infant adoption geneological connections to family are broken

and family trees demolished.




Copyright © 2005 First Moms Action Group

- 'Dear Birthmother' Letters - Unplanned Pregnancy Help - Domestic Adoption - Open Adoption Information -